Lexapro and me.

Someone once told me that I was incredibly selfish for not taking God’s creation as enough for me to be happy. That, to be a good person, I had to be joyful all the time every day and the fact that I wasn’t just proved how ignorant and lost I was.

Another person told me that I “didn’t need” medication, that the drugs were a waste of time and bad for me. They assumed I could make it since they had gotten through life just fine without – they’d even been to counseling!

I’ve heard all these and more. That my life isn’t hard enough to merit medication – what have I gone through, really? Blank stares, awkward silences, whatever stereotype they’ve heard or the name of someone they know on meds for depression/anxiety – something SERIOUS, unlike my situation.

The truth is, I am incredibly weak. I can’t handle a single day without feeling like my heart is being crushed by my ribs, I can’t force myself to smile, and I am convinced that I am the single most pathetic and useless person on this planet – that the world would be better off without me. There are times when, out of the blue, fear washes over me to the point where I am physically paralyzed. It is beyond my control, and that makes it all the more terrifying.

I know, your life is not like this. You are stronger than I.

I would do anything to stop these feelings – everything that convinces me that I am worthless, and will never be able to overcome it. It’s like drowning in shadows and darkness, suffocating sorrow not directed from any specific source but overwhelming nonetheless. So yes, I am ashamed of Lexapro and my dependence on it. I wish I didn’t have to take it. I feel unbelievably pathetic for doing so, but not as pathetic as I feel without it.

There are some people who are like glowing pure light in my little dark world and being with them chases every evil away – I will do anything to be as close as I can to them to keep the dark running so I can finally sleep….

All I ask is you not run away from my struggles and stand by my side so that I may have the strength to fight on.

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11 thoughts on “Lexapro and me.

  1. Hey! I clicked on the “Find Friends” button on my blog, and yours came up! 🙂 I just read your post about taking medication… I have struggled with severe depression (which at present has subsided), anxiety, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I know only too well the intense internal ache that depression produces (I used to often say to my mom, “My heart hurts.” That seemed like the best way – in fact, the only way – to describe what I felt inside.) I’ve also experienced feelings of intense panic, and I used to struggle immensely with suicidal thoughts. I started taking medications when I as 12 and I went through about 14 different ones before I finally became medication-free a few months after my 18th birthday. I understand the type of pain you have felt, and the intense desire to escape it(and the fear that perhaps you never will). I also know that medication is extremely helpful for so many people to help them out of their dark place. (In my case, it actually made things worse, but perhaps that’s not typical.) Taking medication doesn’t make you weak – it means you were strong enough to say that you needed help to get back to a good place. I know that in Christian circles, psychiatric medication is sometimes frowned upon. Don’t listen to anyone who gives you grief about it! They are so far off base, and they cannot begin to understand what depression or any other psychiatric illness is like unless they themselves have experienced it. I believe God has given scientists the knowledge and skills needed to produce these medications. Just as we would take an antibiotic to treat strep throat, so we take antidepressants and the like when our minds and hearts hurt. I’ll pray for you as you walk through this journey. If you ever want to talk to someone who knows what it’s like, I’m here! ❤ Carly

    P.S. I think I know who you are, but your name isn't on your "about" page. 😛

    • Thanks, Carly. 🙂 good to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. it all takes time, unfortunately, which I never seem to have.

      And it’s pretty easy to figure out who I am. just a WILD guess as to which of your fellow students this could be…..

      • Rachel. I know. But I didn’t know if there was a reason your name wasn’t on your about page, so I didn’t want to address you by name unless I knew it was ok. 🙂

  2. Impressive…………….your glowing pure light people who are able to be themselves however you are feeling are indeed the ones to think about, write about and be with whenever possible. They know that their purpose is not to make you feel better or give advice but to be themselves and let you be you. I have never smoked and I don’t like the smell of cigarettes but there are a few people I know and like who happen to be smokers and I don’t notice when they smoke, it becomes an irrelevance. What I am trying to say is that real friends like you for no reason at all and consider a world without you a less significant place.

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