what am i without all this water weight?

it’s been slowing me down, keeping me under

and for the first time in months I can consider

what I really want, the fresh greenery

of optimism and ideas springs up in my brain and spine

I am a little bit freer than I was yesterday and I will drink

all of this rainwater happily

I need feminism because

though I know that God is there,

good, full of good things,

wants me to grow and be purposed

I still am terribly afraid. And my fears have been confirmed

in glance, word, action

as though I am nothing more than an animal

on their hunt. Though I am told repeatedly

that I am overacting, over-reacting, over-everything

too much

that does not change the fact that I am still wary

and doubtful that I will ever find someone who is not

just being a guy.

these light cells

as the earth groans and arcs

we, in pain with her, hang

in that starry void and can only believe

but still remain alone, for we have not yet died.

each shadow, offspring of a much lighter creature

must hold true to Laws which are (pain).

I would climb, slash-tear open the sky

rend it from horizon to horizon (sever skin)

to open up unknown freedom

and know God is delighted with me.

quiet afternoon


Depression is really, really, unbelievably difficult sometimes. Especially as a student, when you’re away from family, you’re plugged into the same old schedule constantly and the piles of work are crushing you.

I had a rough week. But probably everyone had a rough week. That doesn’t make me that special or anything. I just wanted to publicly make a note that I am out of the slump yet again. I have no doubt that it’ll be back, but I crawled out of my own self-loathing and fear and am now happily enjoying a quiet Saturday with paints and Johnny Cash.

The really cool thing about depression, in my experience, is when I’m doing well I become so blissfully thankful for it that the good compounds upon itself and I am radiant. So for those days I fight, I strive forwards towards something “better”, an ultimate state of appreciation and love or whatever waits ahead.

People keep telling me to take joy in the little things. What else is there to take joy in? The big things are scary, unfathomable and far away. So yes, I am happy with these little things. My head is down, my hands are folded, and maybe something beautiful will come of all this. Not today, but someday. I am resigned to hope.


Phosphorescent (song of the week)


My current jam. I recommend taking a few quiet minutes to appreciate the simple beauty of this video, and spend time focusing on the intricate details of the composition and the questions it raises for the viewer when coupled with the song. (Plus, how often does one get to use so beautiful a word as phosphorescent?)

getting to know you

Sorry for punching in that window,

the door was locked with presuppositions of what I’d think of you once I saw inside, so I

broke my knuckles open and climbed in through the frame.

Anyways, you scampered away, up the stairs,

while I opened up so many curtains to get a good look at all the rich carpeting and paneled woodworking –

it’s an amazing place,

(the stains, tears, dirt and mess make it perfectly yours)

but with those heavy drapes drawn over everything, I don’t think even you can see it.

So, waiting for you to come back down,

I’ll just make that cup of coffee and lie on the couch,

basking in your disbelief,

hoping desperately that I haven’t shattered you,

that we’ll be able to sit face-to-face

once I am inside.