biology

repressed anxiety

takes the most unusual forms during stress.

I spent all of class wincing, jumping

every time the professor wrote on the board

the squeaking chalk said

that she was going to fingernail it

she was going to

every time, I was sure

she was going to scratch it

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dear anna X

what are you like?

I am too close to see,

your fluid mosaic washes over my memory

 I cannot distinguish between failing and strength

you are so beautiful. All of you is beautiful.

Still delightfully marvelous as in childhood, red-blue

rich in yellow

only growing more lovely with time

I remember you in crayon, water, and glass

my rage always the Frog

to your wise, calm Toad.

i want to go home

[pressure]

i am tiny pieces taped together

so tight, too tight, stress-hugging my knees

and i feel no older than eight,

the same innocent naivety at my centre

the tension pushes me in and pulls me out

so i am all edges and no rest

[collapse]

taste

The body was felled,

the tree of life broken at last,

the fruit we tasted his bitter last supper.

as always, redeemed

again, returned

to this blank desert of horrors

to prove that there was a Promised Land

somewhere. Our forty years has not ended.

so we are pulled in two,

reeled in by the death, the inner evil

just to whet our lips with glorious water

that is blood, from the slain Rock

we drown in his death/we savor his life.

the bit of you that I took

when our skulls collided

in the dark, too fast

both so desperately clumsy

happily awkward, but still

I saw your eye sockets hollow,

your zygomatic processes pronounced

over your stupid beard.

Time always got away from us, didn’t it?

I lost a contented five and a half hours, and left

always right. (stairsteps) You won everything

but me, I lost the peace of you.

Panic & Attack in America

a girl screamed like an animal and I woke

only a screen and ten feet of air

separating me from their fight

the Jersey Shore turned ugly at 2 a.m.

I cowered against the pale wall, swaddled in dark sheets

the only light from the porch flourescent across the way

flickering punches and profanity flew thick

she kept screaming, begging on her knees for them to stop

pulling on their clothing, now torn and bloody

my heartbeat in my eyes, resounding with

dull thuds of knuckles on flesh

scrambling for each other’s pain, falling down the stairs

their faces broken and twisted, they were not human anymore, I shook

and they tossed a tanned shirtless [someone] over the third floor balcony

she shrieked and was cut off, thrown into the wall – “shut up”

my windpipe closed just in time for the cops to show up

they pounded up the stairs yelling, guns waved around

she was crying softly now, I retched into the sink

mascara running down her face as they barked questions at her

I choked on

a horror in me awake, that visited

every night, the fear

that feels like dying

and nothing will be or is

beautiful;the demon animal in their faces

that triggers a break  in me, of mind and body

I am eaten and fall